You’re A Great Parent…Even If You Don’t Feel Like It

Every parent deals with frustration in their role. Every. Single. One. And, as if this weren’t enough of an issue, this frustration often translates to feelings of inadequacy. Well, I’m here to tell you, you’re not only adequate, you’re exceptional. You are a great parent, doing a great job for your kids. You might not believe me. You might think, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure I am. I know.” But that’s nonsense, and I’m going to tell you why. 

Look. I know raising kids can be frustrating. In the early days, there’s a lot of crying. The baby is hungry? They cry. The baby is tired? They cry. The baby needs its diaper changed? They cry. Some kids have a tough time eating. Some have a tough time sleeping. Some eat all the time (even though mom’s supply is low). What’s all that mean? It means I, as the parent, am not getting any sleep, which is a recipe for frustration!

As the little one grows, the moments capable of producing frustration don’t decrease. Independence brings on all kinds of moments where I, the parent, want to rip out my hair. Why don’t they listen? Why do they say, “No,” to everything? Why are they screaming? Why don’t they exhibit any sort of rationality? Why don’t they want to use the potty? Why don’t they eat anything besides grilled cheese? Why do they insist upon dumping out all the toys I just put away? Why are they screaming at their brother? Why can’t they let their brother sleep? 

Every one of these questions yields frustration. Then, throw in the moments where my kid bumps his head, or gets picked on by a bully at the park. Moments when they hurt, and there’s not a whole lot I can do to take it away. Those moments can be frustrating too. I ask myself things like, “Could I have stopped that?” and “Is there something more I could have done?”

The thing is, every time I ask any of these questions, they’re not neutral in tone. I’m not simply seeking information. When I ask, “Why are they screaming?” out of frustration, what I’m really saying is “I don’t like this screaming, this is really annoying, I wish they’d stop, but I can’t stop them.” Due to the way in which my inner voice asks the question, it’s less a question and more a statement. My inner voice’s tone not only tells me I’m frustrated, but that I am also incapable. I want to stop the screaming, but I can’t do it. 

So, you know all those questions above? Yeah. That same mental talk happens with each of them. Each scenario produces frustration. And any time something frustrating pops up, my inner voice takes a tone that lets me know I’m frustrated and can’t stop/prevent what’s frustrating me. Essentially, I’m criticizing myself, and that’s a huge problem.

In 2013, the Harvard Business Review published an article about praise vs. criticism, and their findings suggest the ideal ratio is 5.6 to 1. This means for every single piece of criticism you hear, you need 5.6 pieces of praise. That’s the ratio you need to promote optimal performance. So, if you’re a manager, parent, teacher, coach, you should make sure your people hear nearly 6 times more praise than criticism. 

Now, in a given day, how many times do you think I give myself praise? How many times, when my kid is screaming, saying “No” to everything, or dumping toys all over the floor, is my inner voice telling me I’m doing a great job? Not a lot. My praise-to-criticism ratio is nowhere near 5.6 to 1. Maybe, MAYBE it’s 1 to 5.6. I love my kids. When something great happens, like my kids displaying courtesy, or empathy, or a new skill, I offer praise, and feel proud. But that positivity is directed at them, rather than at myself. I don’t say, “Gosh, you’re doing a great job of teaching your kids empathy.” When frustrated, the inner voice is inwardly critical. When proud, the inner voice is externally complimentary. Which is to say, when something is frustrating, I give myself criticism, and when something is positive, I give my kids the adoration.  

Given that, what do you think happens to when the ratio is out of whack? I’ll tell you! I transition from feeling isolated instances of frustration, to general inadequacy. I question myself as a parent. I wonder if I’m doing right by my kids. Does this sound familiar? I know it does. I see it on Twitter. I encounter it in conversations I have with parents at the park. Parents, particularly the stay-at-home kind, fall into this trap all too often, and I’m here to put an end to it!

Sure, there are frustrating parts to raising a kid, but we have to learn to keep things in perspective. Do you know how long it takes an adult to convert something into a habit? Some studies suggest it’s between 21-28 days. Other studies suggest much longer–anywhere from two to eight months. Yow! That’s a long time!! Oh, and remember: that’s only one habit! 

Now, consider a child. Each day, we’re asking them to move from a place of inability to mastery. We’re not just asking them to build one new habit. We’re asking them to build many new habits. That’s grueling. Think of the last goal you had where you pushed yourself to be better or do better. Every day, you feel pushed and challenged. You encounter failure until you notice improvement, and, eventually, achievement. That’s what kids are going through. 

That suggests some tough times, and you have a front-row seat for all of it. Change takes time. Learning takes time. Development takes time. Forming new habits takes time. That’s just the way it is, and we as parents need not forget it. 

When those moments of frustration creep into my consciousness, I’m going to challenge myself to look at the big picture, and set my expectations appropriately. I’m going to search for the progress. And when it doesn’t seem like there is any progress, I’m going to take heart in knowing that the progress is in the persistence. By continuing on the hard path, and not taking the day off, I’m a day closer to that habit, to achievement. For it’s in those moments of difficulty that progress is being made. Where my children are becoming fuller versions of themselves, and where I, as a parent, am becoming a better version of myself. 

That’s the first step. The second step is fixing my inner monologue to recognize this progress. To embrace the moments of struggle in my thoughts, in what I tell myself. So the next time I feel myself get frustrated, I’m going to adjust my inner voice. Instead of asking, “Why?” I’m going to tell myself:

I’m a great parent, and I can handle this. I’m a great parent, and I am handling this. I’m doing my best, and my best is enough. 

If I replace the inner voice of frustration with this mantra, or something similar, I’m guessing any feelings of frustration, and inadequacy will dissipate. Sure, there will be times when I slip, or when I actually need to do better. That’s fine. That’s normal. But in replacing all the “Why?” questions–the criticism–with positivity, I’m repairing my praise-to-criticism ratio, and ensuring that any feelings of inadequacy are kept in check, and replaced with feelings of empowerment and success. 

I’ll see that I’m a great parent, and I’ll feel it too!

Header image from Gerd Altmann on Pixabay