4 Keys to Reset My Priorities As A Parent

Here’s the situation, folks: I have a serious keeping-up-with-the-Joneses problem, and, as a result, I need to reset my priorities as a parent. I really don’t know where it came from. I suspect it’s my competitive nature—a propensity to assess myself against others in a quest to win. It really doesn’t matter what the competition is, either. It could be a game of cards, basketball, golf, or life (existence, not the board game). Bottom line: I view each of these things as a game, and everyone else as competitors. For a round of golf, that’s reasonable. For life, not so much. I’ll look at things like my car, my job, my house, and my bank account, and compare it to others. Then, I’ll make a determination: victory or defeat.

What I began to notice is that this mentally has translated to how I prioritize what’s important, which then informs how I spend my time, which then informs how I act around and with my kids. I might tell myself, “I just want my kids to have the best,” or “I want to make sure my kids have it better than I do,” or “I don’t want my kids to be bullied or teased.” But what does that mentality yield? Someone who’s paying attention to, and getting stressed by the wrong things.

Christmas just wrapped up. During this time, parents can get pretty stressed. I know it was stressful for me. The inner dialogue (or is it monologue?) goes down a pretty twisted rabbit hole:

How do our decorations look?

Are the ornaments on the tree properly balanced?

Did I get toys my kids will like?

Do I have enough toys for my kids?

Have we planned the perfect holiday meals?

Is our house clean enough to host guests?

Is our house big enough to host guests?

Is Christmas shopping going to put us in a hole heading into the new year?

Why does everyone else we hang out with seem to be in better shape than us?

How do they have a bigger house, or bigger bank account?  

What am I doing wrong?

I want more for my kids.

I feel bad that I can’t give them more.

Are they going to be okay?

How noble of me, huh? To be so worried about my kids like that? Parent-of-the-year-type stuff, right? Wrong! My kids don’t care about most of that crap. At least they don’t need to. All that stuff is more about me, my fears, my hang ups, and my insecurities. I really do care about my kids, but, apparently, I care about my image as well. You know what Christmas is really about? Not trees, or meals, or gifts, or bank accounts. It’s about the birth of Christ—The Word made manifest. It’s about joyfully celebrating His presence. His presence. Jesus. Being here. With us. For us. Wait, wait, wait! Before you tune out ‘cause I just went religious on you, know that I’m not trying to evangelize. I’m unapologetically Catholic, but that’s not the point. The point is that the real reason 2.2 billion people still celebrate something that happened 2,000 years ago has nothing to do with lights, or songs, or toys. No matter what new (and possibly misguided traditions have arose since then), the thing that started it was the the presence of God as man. Whether you believe or not is irrelevant to the point I’m trying to make here. What is relevant is the thing that was so important, for so long, to sit as the foundation of the massive celebration we know as Christmas is presence, and it speaks to how powerful presence can be.

So, I’m left sitting here, two weeks after Christmas, thinking. What do my kids deserve? How do I make my kids happiest? How can I ensure that they grow up healthy, and well-adjusted? Is it by stressing myself out, trying to make sure they have the best of everything, want for nothing, and are never left open to ridicule? Is it by forging ahead, contest after contest, ensuring that my house is bigger, by bank account is larger, my car is nicer, our clothes are fancier, our vacations are more glamorous, and our toys are better? Nah. The truth is, Christmas or not, I notice myself, as a parent, falling victim to the unimportant stressors, and it’s time to stop.

It’s time for me to realize that all the things I get worried about are not the priority. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t want to minimize the necessities. I recognize the importance of food, clothing, and shelter. But there’s a lot of room between destitute and decadent, between designer and donated generic. I often get too caught up in the distinction, and the perceived social ramifications.  I’ve fallen victim to prioritizing social status over what’s really important. This causes stress, anxiety, and dissatisfaction. I’ve been prioritizing the wrong things, and causing myself undue anguish as a result. Well, no more!

It’s time to recalibrate my priorities around what really matters for me, a parent—my kids. When I find myself slipping back into my old ways of comparison, materialism, and stress, I’m going to recenter myself around a idea—presence—and think about what it will take to maximize it. After all, if God’s presence is what pumps up 2.2 billion Christians at Christmas, maybe it’s worth focusing on the value of my presence for my kids.

Be There
I really do think it’s amazing how powerful a think presence is. So, as a result, I’m going to value being physically present. It’s really hard to figuratively be there for people if I’m not literally there. My kids like me. Most of the time, they’re pretty happy when I’m around. Heck, my oldest lights up after I come in from taking out the trash! I have to keep in mind that my presence is a positive. When I’m thinking about how I’m doing as a dad, I have to remind myself that my being there with my kids and for my kids is huge. Presence inspires 2.2 billion people each year. Presence is a big deal.

Be Engaged
Being there is necessary, but not enough. I also need to be involved. It’s not okay to be around if I’m constantly distracted by housework, the television, or my phone (this is a real issue). I need to be attentive and engaged. My attention needs to be just as present as my body. Additionally, I need to be intentional about what type of presence I am. Am I conveying weakness or strength? Contentment or disappointment? Happiness or self-pity? Empowerment or disqualification? What I choose to emphasize in my interactions will have a contagious and lasting impact on how those around me view themselves, their circumstances, and their ability. I must choose to bring the light, not the darkness.

Be Grateful
Of all the values out there, I think gratitude is, perhaps, most pivotal when it comes to personal satisfaction, and being fully present; focused on the here and now. Dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future is a surefire path to missing what’s right in front of me. And when it comes to my kids, that’s a whole lot. They need to know they’re important, and I can’t do that when I devote my time to dealing with what ifs. My kids are right here, right now. My past is not, and neither is my future. That’s not to say I can’t learn from reflection, or plan responsibly. But it’s important to cherish now to fully cherish them. In order to do that, I must embrace and more readily show gratitude, and teach them the same.

Be Loving
Most importantly, as a father, I need to make sure love is present. Even while arguing, or issuing a punishment, it should remain clear that love is behind it all. There will be anger, frustration, annoyance, and feeling let down from time to time. Still, there needs to be love. And during times of calm or normal, I need to ensure the expression of love is all the more there. That’s what forms the glue that allows the bond to withstand the tougher times. A hug, a smile, or an utterance of, “I’m proud of you” is all it takes. Still, I must push myself to consistently and authentically express love in a way that’s undeniable. The impact over the course of days, weeks, months, and years is immense. I need to make sure my boys feel my love for them. Every day.

Alright, so I know I said that my physical presence is important, but let’s face it. Those aforementioned necessities are real. Sometimes I’ll have to take care of some things that require me to be away. Sometimes generating the focus and strength to engage and love fully will require some self care. Sometimes I’ll have to let go, and allow my boys space to be on their own. And, of course, at some point, there will come a time when I am no longer around. Whatever the reason, I can still remain with them if I have taken the time to be there, be engaged, and be loving. I can be a lasting presence, in a metaphysical sense. My words can echo, and my example provide vision. It can guide and support even when my physical presence is not possible. It can ensure that they are good men for themselves and those in their lives.

That’s what’s important. Not gifts, or stuff, or money, or status, or appearances. When things get hectic, I get stressed, my mind wanders in a materialistic direction, or I start moping about how I compare to the Joneses, I need to pause, focus and remember to prioritize presence in four ways—be there, be engaged, be grateful, and be loving. If you can relate, it might be worth a shot for you too. After all, being there for your kid, in a loving, engaged way, full of gratitude, is the greatest gift a kid can receive, and, deep down, what they really want from their mom or dad.