I Miss My Wife Even Though She’s Right Here

Can you miss someone you live with? The answer, most certainly, is yes. Sure, my wife and I are still together, and I’m thankful for that. But, the truth is, I miss my wife.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine posted some guidelines to a healthy marriage that she came across. The first item on the list? Your spouse is the most important person in your life. No matter what happens in your life– whether you have kids or not, or have a bunch of friends, your spouse comes first. Truth be told, I’m not sure what followed. I was caught on good ol’ number one.

I remember going through marriage prep with my wife, and talking to other married folks. They all said something similar. In order to make your marriage work, your spouse is your number one person. Why? Because you chose them, and they you, to partner with through life. Unlike friends, other family, and even kids you may have had together, you each have chosen to share your life with your spouse. From that point on, the ups, downs, trials, and triumphs will be mourned or shared together.

Sounds reasonable, right? Well, I wasn’t quite buying it. Sure, you can say all that when you’re single, going through marriage prep at church. You can even say it once all your kids have moved out and moved on with their lives. But every time I’ve encountered that sentiment, I always had trouble grappling with one concept: kids. The first time my wife shared these thoughts, I looked at her, chuckled, and said, “Yeah, right.” Perplexed, she looked at me, and said, “I’m serious.” And she was.

I continued, “I mean, I know what you’re saying, but the second kids come along, that goes out the window.” She wasn’t convinced then. I’m not quite sure what she’d say now. I know my thoughts. When you have young children, prioritizing your spouse is not a given. When you are responsible for human beings that cannot do anything for themselves to ensure their own survival, from eating, to sleeping, prioritizing another adult who can do all of those things for themselves seems…unnecessary.

But this is how missing the spouse you live with, and are still married to, starts. Young children are a never ending assembly line of needs. Feeding. Sleeping. Pooping. Peeing. Playing. Bathing. Clothing. Changing. Clothing again. Laundry. Dishes. Not to mention love and attention. Someone has to tend to all that. Oh, and one more thing. That someone, along with the one that doesn’t necessarily tend to all that stuff has needs too. Needs for sustenance, sleep, intellectual stimulation, humor, love, and companionship. So, when you’re tending to the needs of your son or daughter who’s screaming his or her head off because they need [fill in any number of things], that’s time you’re not tending to your own needs, or those of your spouse.

Given that, how exactly do I square the need to put my spouse first? Sure, I could change every diaper, or wake up for every feeding to ensure my wife could relax and rest. I don’t. Maybe I should. But she has something to say about all of that too. She may decide to do the same for me, for the same reason. Still, it’s difficult to prioritize your spouse when you are busy prioritizing your child. You cannot spend the same time and energy, or devote the same amount of thought to your spouse when you have someone else to attend to. Each are limited resources, and each is in short supply when you have small children.

As a result, if you are truly going to overcome the paradox–prioritizing your spouse while prioritizing your children—you have to be operating on another level. Instead of looking at satisfying the lower order needs of your spouse, you look to meet their higher order needs. Presumably, when spouses have children, they each want them, almost more than anything else, to be healthy—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. If that’s the case, then this need outweighs one’s desire for sleep, or a meal, or even companionship. So, in tending to the well-being of your children, you are, in fact, putting your spouse, and their highest order need—one they share with you by virtue of your shared children—first.

Okay, great! The paradox is solved. The problem is that doesn’t help me spend more time with my spouse. As we each tend to our shared higher order need to raise our children, we aren’t able to spend the same time together as we did before kids. So, what’s the fix? Well, we could each get up early, before the kids wake up, and enjoy a cup of coffee together. But with a four-month-old who gets up anywhere between 3:30 and 6:30 am, and an almost-three-year-old, I’m not quite sure when that would be. Besides, we need all the sleep we can get just to function. I suppose we could reconvene for some together time once we put the kids to bed at night. But, when my wife has more work to do before she goes to bed, and our almost-three-year-old needs me to lay with him in order to fall asleep, I’m not sure that’s possible.

Alternatively, some folks suggest setting aside one day a week to go out as a couple. Book a regular babysitter, and make a commitment to spend time together—reconnecting and enjoying each other’s company. I just don’t know how this works when you have a working parent (or two). When is the working parent supposed to see his or her kids? When kids are young and bedtimes are early, those opportunities are few and far between. When push comes to shove, I’d much rather my wife and kids have time together than for her to go on a date with me. I know she misses her kids during the week. I know she wants to spend as much time with them as possible when she’s not working. I get that, and I want that for her. So, right now, I miss her.

As this stage of our shared life progresses, I’ve learned I have to do a couple things. First, I have to continue to find ways to carve out time to be with her. That means taking no time for granted. We don’t have to have a date to engage and connect. This morning, we were with our kids walking to get coffee. They were in the stroller, and, miraculously, perfectly content. It only lasted 15 minutes, but we spent those fifteen minutes talking, as if it were just the two of us. We weren’t not paying attention to our kids, but in that brief window, our focus was on connecting with each other. I have to do a better job of identifying and maximizing that time in the future.

Second, I have to be willing to evolve my conception of my wife as she evolves as a woman by way of her motherhood. I need to be better engaged in that process, even if it’s in observance of it. I have a front-row seat to her growth as she nurtures our kids and acts as primary breadwinner. I should be reveling in that. Marveling in it, really. I get to see her become a more full version of herself, every day. She, hopefully, witnesses the same with me. Sure, we might not get to interact as much, or in the same way as before, and that could lead to feelings of longing. Still, I need to appreciate that the people we’re becoming, and the ways in which we interact as a result, are pretty great too.

I’m not there yet, but I’m getting there. My mantra in overcoming this phase? Maximize and appreciate. If I can get better at those two things, I’ll be in a lot better shape. What’s more, so will my marriage, and our kids!

Note: Header image courtesy of Pixabay.