How Much Should We Care About What Other People Think Of Us?

A person who doesn’t know what the universe is, doesn’t know where they are. A person who doesn’t know their purpose in life doesn’t know who they are or what the universe is. A person who doesn’t know any one of these things doesn’t know why they are here. So what to make of people who seek or avoid the praise of those who have no knowledge of where or who they are?

-Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.52 (quote found in The Daily Stoic; the following reflections are my own)

How many of us know ourselves? How many of us are experts on the world around us? How many of us are clear on how we fit in the world? I can’t say I am. Finding the answers to these questions has been a constant struggle for me. In fact, the first thing I ever had published was a prayer I wrote in high school that lamented these questions. If you’re curious to see it (or have a rare books collection that needs an addition) you can check out page 13 of In All Things.

Suffice it to say, I got a lot of work to do. Both in figuring out myself, and the rest of the world. And while I’m making progress, I can’t help but feel embarrassed by how frequently I lose focus on my quest to finally and more deeply understand my place in this thing we call existence. Unfortunately, there are many culprits that distract me, however today’s quote from Marcus Aurelius has me thinking about one in particular: other people’s opinions.   

Bottom line: I care too much about what other people think. Do people think I’m smart? Funny? Handsome? Capable? Cool? Kind? Upstanding? Tolerant? Unoffending? Successful? Respectful? Respectable? Powerful? Influential? Interesting? Ugh. The list goes on and on and on. I seek validation, and avoid ridicule, and my actions and behavior have a tendency to be swayed by this truth about myself. 

If people are anything like me, they struggle with the same things I struggle with. Namely, they have a hard time making sense of themselves, understanding the world around them, and how the two intersect. And if that’s the case, then why do I care so much about what they think of me? They’re not experts on themselves. They certainly aren’t experts on me. 

Now, I’m not championing one should be mean, or cruel, or disrespectful, or evil. My aims should be noble, virtuous, and good. I should still care for others. I’m no better than anyone else, and as human beings, we all have inherent value. I just shouldn’t devote so much time on or concern with what anyone else thinks of me–a topic on which they have little expertise. 

Additionally, at the end of the day, I have no control over someone else’s thoughts. Sure, I can influence them with a rational argument, emotional appeal, or even a quid pro quo (apolitical!). But when it comes down to deciding on what to think and how to behave as a result, the choice is beyond my control. And if there’s one thing that I know about Stoics it’s this: If it’s beyond my control, let it go. 

As a man, I need to do a better job modeling this for my kids. I need to be less concerned with how others view me, and more concerned with whether I, myself, think I’m smart, funny, handsome, capable, cool, kind, upstanding, tolerant, unoffending, successful, respectful, respectable, powerful, influential, and interesting. 

If there’s something I want to learn, or try, or do, of say, I need to let ‘er rip knowing some will hate it, some will like it, and some won’t care. That’s okay. Do I like it? Does it make me better? Does it help me become more fully me? Does it help me understand the world a bit more clearly? If the answer is yes, then it was a good thing–even if not “successful” in the intended way. 

As a parent, I need to help my kids keep this in perspective. Bullying. Peer pressure. Social anxiety. These are all things I’ve experienced. I suspect most kids have experienced, are experiencing, or will experience these things as long as there are kids. Unfortunately, my kids likely won’t be exempt, but I can help them process these experiences. 

I can empower them to stay focused on what they can control, and disregard the praise or ridicule from those with no expertise to give it. This will assist them in navigating the social challenges they’ll face, and deciphering their place in the world. If I’m successful, the seeds that allow personal satisfaction, and contentment to bloom will be planted. And what a great thing that would be! 

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