How I Became The Stay-At-Home Parent

If you happen to be married with kids, you’ve probably had the discussion about whether the stay-at-home-parent route is right for your family. For years, the assumption was that moms would take care of the kids and the home, and dads would bring home the bacon. Then, as more opportunity became available to women, both educationally and vocationally, the assumption was not as clear.

Don’t get me wrong. If there were to be a stay-at-home caregiver, it was the mom. But, it wasn’t a given that there would be a stay-at-home parent. More women began earning college degrees, and pursuing careers outside of the home (the ability to do so was always there, but the social opportunity wasn’t always there). After all, if their husbands could do it, why shouldn’t they be able to?

As a result, more moms and dads went to work, giving rise to a relatively large group of Generation X latchkey kids. To refresh your memory, the term “latchkey kid” referred to a child who would come home to an open house, using the key under the mat (or wherever else it was hidden) to let himself or herself in. Before long, latchkey programs, caretakers, and services began popping up to ensure that kids too young to look after themselves were tended to. And so, today, we have a plethora of after-school programs, daycare options, and nanny services.

Still, with all these options at our disposal, a fair number of parents still consider whether they should continue on with their careers and make full use of them, or stay at home. According to a Pew Research study, 60% of participants thought it was best for the kids if there’s a stay-at-home parent in the family. Reality, however, does not match with the rate of mothers who do not work outside the home at 29%. When you account for dads and look at parents who do not work outside the home, that number is 18%.

What’s all that mean? It means a majority of folks have thought about having a stay-at-home parent in the family; that, currently, the majority of families, despite this belief, do not have a stay-at-home parent; and, finally, if there is a stay-at-home parent, it’s likely to be the mom. Given all that, it seems unlikely that I, a dad, would become the stay-at-home parent. And yet, here I am. Here’s how that came to pass.

Stay-At-Home Child Rearing Preference

First, our child-rearing philosophy generally aligns with the 60% of folks who think it’s best to have a parent at home. That’s not to say we don’t want our kids in programming outside of the house. We do. Please, we have to get out of the house! But when it comes to taking them to and from, and managing the daily care, my wife and I like the idea of a parent being around. I wouldn’t be a stay-at-home parent without this belief.

Social Dynamics

Next, there are a few social factors that play a role. The fact that my wife and I are married/cohabitate lays the foundation to allow one of us to stay home. Unfortunately for single parents, staying at home is a not a feasible option.

What’s more, we each have incredibly supportive families nearby. Our parents are sources of tremendous assistance. My mom, in particular, has been a godsend. If I have to run errands, or give my kids a break from the boredom of our house on a frigid Chicago winter day (it’s 3 degrees right now), she’s (most) always available. If I didn’t have her in my life, I might lose my mind, and need to go to go back to work. Luckily, that hasn’t been the case.

Economic Factors

When it comes to building a sustainable family, finances are a factor. Families have expenses, so, naturally, they need to have income. When it comes to deciding on a stay-at-home parent, this must be considered. For us, my wife was on a trajectory to earn more money throughout her career. She’s in business/marketing, and I was in education. Living on her salary, while not necessarily a piece of cake, is easier than living on mine would have been.

In addition, I’m able to tap into some alternative income structures that my wife claims she couldn’t. In fact, she recently said, “I could never make as much money as you do side hustling.” Whether that’s true or not remains to be seen. Then again, Henry Ford may have been right when he said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” Regardless, I’ve been lucky to be in a position where I can do some side hustling to bring in extra money to cover any remaining expenses. Educational consulting, which can be done remotely, on a flexible schedule, and freelance writing have been good to us. I can do both while prioritizing our kids. Who knows, maybe this blog will prove similar. For now, I just like writing, so that’s what I’m doing. While we’re fortunate to be in a position where we can make it work on one full-time salary and my side hustling, I realize that others might not have that option.

Personal Preference

My wife loves our kids, and she’s really enjoyed staying home with both while on maternity leave (pray for me—she goes back next week!). She’d probably love to stay at home with them too. But, here’s the deal: I probably want to do it more. I mean, one of us needs to work, and based on the economic factors just discussed, on paper, she’s the one. Still, when it comes to housework–cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping (she hates grocery shopping)–I’m the guy. I really enjoy cooking, and I like doing handy things around our place. After being a latchkey kid (there was a program after school) for the first few years of primary schooling, my mom transitioned to stay-at-home duty. Seeing her in action helped me see value and pride in managing a house. I guess that’s stayed with me into adulthood. Oh, and of course I love hanging out with the kids.

In addition, it’s seems to be an unofficial rule that the person who has a strong preference with how things are done is de facto in charge of those things. For instance, if I have a strong preference for how the floors get cleaned, that person is in charge of cleaning the floors. As it turns out, I have far more strong preferences when it comes to housework than my wife does.

Courage of Unconventionality

When you look at the stats (or the real world), it’s pretty obvious that stay-at-home dads are not the norm (heck, neither are stay-at-home moms). As a result, I’m breaking trend. Any time you break trend, you’re going to be viewed as different. Some people like different. Others do not. In order for me to be the stay-at-home parent, I need to be okay with that. I need to be okay with encountering patronization, disapproval, pity, or attempted emasculation. I need to be strong enough in my identity to forge ahead with what works for our family. I don’t really think about it like this, but I need to be courageous in my unconventionality–with going against the grain. That’s me, I guess.

I’m not here to say whether a stay-at-home arrangement is right for your family. I just know that, right now, it’s right for ours. In reaching that conclusion, along with the making the decision of which parent, these are the things we considered. If any of them were different, maybe we would have reached a different conclusion.