For if a person shifts their caution to their own reasoned choices and the acts of those choices, they will at the same time gain the will to avoid, but if they shift their caution away from their own reasoned choices to things not under their control, seeking to avoid what is controlled by others, they will then be agitated, fearful, and unstable.
-Epictetus, Discourses, 2.1.12 (quote found in The Daily Stoic; the following reflections are my own).
And
Keep this thought at the ready at daybreak, and through the day and night–there is only one path to happiness, and that is in giving up all outside of your sphere of choice, regarding nothing else as your possession, surrendering all else to God and Fortune.
-Epictetus, Discourses, 4.4.39 (quote found in The Daily Stoic; the following reflections are my own).
Hey! A two-for-one! Yep, that’s right. I thought I’d share two quotes today. The Daily Stoic is in a repetitive mode at the moment. Now, usually, when it comes to books, that would be a bad thing. Not so with this one. The Daily Stoic is such that it leads one through short meditations meant to change one’s way of thinking for the better. This means practicing a new way of thinking. It means repetition.
The road from beginner to expert is paved with repetition. Think about building your muscles. Or learning to play an instrument. Or learning a new language. Or memorizing your times tables. All repetition. So, why wouldn’t it be the same when reprogramming our brains.
So, a few quotes from the week were reinforcements of prior ones. As a result, not a bunch of new posts from me. But these two quotes above gave me something new to consider. Again, the goal here is about focusing one’s attention on what’s going on inside–on one’s own choices, and on one’s own thoughts–and leaving all else to fate. If we’re able to accomplish this, we shall find peace and happiness. If we’re unable to do so, we’re destined to live anxious and irritated.
Alright. Cool. Sounds like stuff I’ve already talked about, huh? Yeah, well, these two quotes got me thinking. Over the last week, or so, I’ve become more cognizant of my responses to certain situations. I suspect it’s because these Stoic insights are on my mind, which actually has been kind of cool.
As a parent, unfortunately, I’ve caught myself after the fact too much. I’ve noticed myself getting worked up, upset, or even angry when one of the kids has been whining for 45 minutes, or when the other one has been pestering me for that ridiculously priced balloon in the grocery store check-out line for the 50th time after we’ve left the grocery store, or when I can’t find a pair of socks among the 12 single socks in my hand, or when my little one unloads in his diaper just as we’re about to leave and we’re already five minutes late.
Over the last couple weeks, I’ve become increasingly more aware of my response in those moments. I’m still working on applying the Stoic teachings to my life–to focusing on what’s in my control, and leaving what’s outside of it alone–so I find myself checking myself, instead of avoiding my agitation altogether. It’s a process, right?
Well, I’ll take it for now. Because in those moments of clarity, I’ve been able to quickly ask myself, “What’s in my control here?” and reset. The goal, of course, is to catch myself before it manifests in a terse reply, or a raised voice. That simple, five-word question, has allowed me to move from worked up to calm pretty rapidly. Because in each of those instances, I realize that the thing that gets me annoyed is outside of my control.
My kids, and their responses, are not my own. I can’t control how they feel. The best I can do is offer them all the things I think they might need, on a physiological level (food, drink, warmth, sleep) and emotional level (love, encouragement), along with feedback (on their behavior, effort, thought process, etc.).
If one of them throws a tantrum, it’s not in my control. The tantrum is a response from another individual. Is it rational? No. Is it appropriate? Probably not. Instead of getting bothered, myself, I can do a better job of going through the list of needs my boys might have (physiological, emotional, and feedback), and working to meet those.
Running late? That’s a present-moment situation. Can I do anything about the predicament in that particular moment? No. All I can do is react, and move forward given that predicament. And you know something? It does me no good to get upset or anxious. Those things just cloud my judgment, and keep me from optimizing my response in that moment.
So, as a move forward through this year, I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful that I can continue to be aware of what’s in my control and what’s outside of it, and myself and by responses to each. For now, I’ll continue to improve my response time in resetting my disposition if I find myself getting heated by something not in my control.
Over time, I hope to recognize situations for what they are, and avoid those external triggers altogether–to be in control of those things that are within it. I think this will keep my annoyance levels to a minimum, and my wife and kids will see a more capable and supportive husband and parent.
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