Things You Might Say As A Parent…

I can’t find the turd. Where’s the turd? Did you squeeze out a turd?

Sometimes you’re sure a poop occurred, but you can’t find it in the diaper, and begin freaking out because 1) There might be a free-range turd on the loose; or 2) You’re losing your mind. So, you resort to asking your two-and-a-half year old whether he pooped, knowing full well that he’s in a stage where he’ll say he pooped just for attention. That’s right, this smart little guy knows that if he goes number two, one of us will drop whatever we’re doing to give him the attention needed to clean him up. By the way, I’m happy to report that in this particular case, I was losing my mind.

Ugh, you need socks. I hate that.

Getting a kid to sit still long enough to change his clothes can be tough. That’s why it’s so frustrating to get to what you thought was the end (pants on, shirt on) only to try and put on his shoes and realize that you still need to put socks on him. This means finding socks (always a challenge, it seems), first, and then getting them on his squirmy feet.

Well, we can’t go anything without your pants on.

Sometimes what you say just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense…or use solid sentence structure. I believe what I meant to say was, “Well, we can’t go anywhere unless you put your pants on.” Look, kid, sometimes I don’t like pants, either, but to quote George Costanza: “We’re living in a society!”

Get that slobbery thing off the bed!

When I young kid has something in his mouth, it can get covered in slobber in a hurry. I don’t want that slobber on my bed. In everyday life, that goes without saying. When dealing with a two-and-a-half year old, you must specify. Not that it makes much of a difference.

What do you have against bathing?

There was a time not so long ago when my son loved to take a bath. When asked to take a bath, he’d give you a look as if to say, “Swimming in the bathroom?! I’m in!” But somewhere along the way, that changed. Now, he’s totally averse. Chances are, this is just a phase. In the meantime, maybe I’ll look into some Super Soakers, or something.

If you want me to body slam you, you’re gonna have to take that out of your mouth.

My oldest already likes to rough house, and, sometimes, this involves what we call a “body slam.” Really, it’s more like flinging him on a soft, bouncy surface in a relatively controlled way while saying, “Body slam.” One night, while rough housing, he put a toy spoon in his mouth. As a responsible parent, I refused any further roughhousing until that thing was out of his mouth. Weird thing to say? Yes. Totally reasonable? Also yes.

Stop playing in filth.

My boy really likes wetness, only making his current bath refusal more puzzling. Anyway, after a storm, he noticed the back of the car was wet and decided to run his hand along the bumper. Obviously, as a father of two, the car wasn’t clean, and his hands got gross quickly. I attempted to get him to stop using my words. Turns out, more than words were needed, as I was required to drag him away from the wet car. Why do we buy him toys, again?

Hey, bud, can you say, “jabroni”?

My boys drive around with me. Why? Because I can’t leave them alone. Wait, can I? NO! So, while I’m out and about, we run into all sorts of folks doing boneheaded things on the roads. My two go-to phrases when encountering such nonsense are: 1) “These people!” and 2) “This jabroni!” Looking for strength in solidarity, I asked my oldest if he could say “jabroni.” He can.

If we look at pictures of Ditka, then will you go to bed?

When my first was born, his uncle and Godfather got him a plush toy of Mike Ditka, legendary player and coach of the Chicago Bears. It’s a Chicago thing. We also frequent Da Coach’s Gold Coast restaurant in the city, where my guy undoubtedly comes across a number of pictures featuring Iron Mike. Well, somewhere along the way, he got intrigued by Ditka, and, now, as part of his bedtime routine, we look at a pic or two. Some kids like stories. My kid likes seeing perm Ditka (an old pic of coach when he was rocking a perm).

Don’t squeegee your brother.

We currently live in a high rise with floor to ceiling windows. As a result, we have a squeegee. One day, the oldest started playing with it, and decided that squeegeeing his brother was a good idea. Since his brother was about six weeks old at the time, I felt compelled to speak on his behalf and request that the aforementioned squeegeeing cease.

Man cannot survive on muffin cakes alone.

My kid does not like to eat. Carby junk food is his thing, and, at one point, Entenmann’s Little Bites were all he wanted. We call them muffin cakes. I’m not a nutritionist, so I might be wrong, but I’m pretty sure muffin cakes are not a balanced diet entirely of themselves.

Are you biting yourself? What are you doing?!

Sometimes, kids experiment. On this particular occasion, my boy was trying out biting. On himself. It looked odd and painful. I didn’t really understand what I was watching. I had to convey this confusion verbally. At what point do kids start to get embarrassed by their behavior when you call it out? Just asking, ’cause he’s not there yet.

Stop sitting in your sandwich.

In attempt to get my kid to eat something other than the previously discussed muffin cakes, I made him a peanut butter sandwich. Rather than eat it, he sat in it. Sometimes I wonder, “Why do I even try?”

Don’t put crackers down your pants!

Little boys get fascinated with what’s down their pants. Sometimes that means taking things out. Other times it means putting things in. On this particular occasion, it was the latter. It’s like he thought, “Well, these aren’t muffin cakes, so I’m not eating them. What should I do with them. Oh, I know!” Not appropriate. Even worse, now I gotta go through a diaper change for something that was totally preventable.