Taking Control Over That Which Is Within It

My dad has been recommending a book for a few months now: The Daily Stoic, by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman. In this secular devotional, the authors share a Stoic quote, along with a short reflection for each day of the year. Readers are encouraged to use the ancient teachings of Stoicism, a school of thought that enjoyed prominence from the beginning of the 3rd century BC through the 3rd century AD to help them live more fulfilled lives.

After checking it out, I thought, “I can do this!” So, I decided I’d share my personal reflections as a man, father, husband, and someone who studied Philosophy and Philosophy of Education in both undergrad and grad school. Hopefully you find the wisdom of the Stoics enlightening and enriching, and my reflections compelling. Alright. Without further ado, here’s my first entry! 

The quote for January 1st comes from Epictetus, and reads:

The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own…

–Discourses 2.5.4-5

According to the Stoics, our primary job in life does not lie in acquiring riches, building friendships, or maximizing happiness. Nope. It lies in identifying and taking control over the things of which we have control, and keeping them separate from the things that are beyond it. Additionally, Stoic ethics rest in the choices that we make and the agency we exhibit in living out those choices. For the Stoics, in distinguishing that which we can control from that which we cannot, we are able to pursue life’s purpose: to live in utmost accordance with our individual nature, which allows us to be in alignment with the state of nature. Pretty heady stuff, huh?

So, how often do I find myself challenged by this? Um…all the time! See, I don’t live in the moment. I’m always thinking about the what ifs of the past and future. And you know something? Those are two things that exist beyond my control. In fact, they may be the two things that most exist outside of my control.

Now, of course, certain aspects of the past were in my control at some point in time–just not this particular point in time. Dwelling on the past, even the things that were in my control, does me no good now. I can neither change nor erase them. What’s done is done. There’s nothing I can do about them.

Similarly, the future is also beyond my control. I cannot live tomorrow today. The contingencies in my head are not yet in front of me. I have nothing to act on right now because the world of the future is not yet here. Sure, I can plan ahead, but that’s an activity of now for a future that may never, in fact, materialize. That future is beyond my control because it is not yet here, which means worrying about what might happen is fruitless. 

This leaves the present. The present is the only time and space, among past, present, and future, that I have control over. Who I am is neither who I was or who I will become. It is determined by the choices I make, and the action I take now. Ruminating about the past leaves me paralyzed by yesterday. Dreaming about tomorrow leaves me paralyzed by the future. Only in staying focused on the present and living in the moment can I maximize who I am now. Interestingly, it happens to be the only way to provide a stable foundation for who I might become. 

To be clear, I don’t get wrapped up in what I might become. Instead, I act and live in the now because I am not capable of living in tomorrow–it’s not possible. It is today that is within my grasp. It is today that is within my control. And it’s the choices that I make today that dictate who I am now, and how I begin tomorrow. So, while I can’t live out tomorrow today, by living today to its fullest, I can influence the me who faces tomorrow. 

Okay, great. So…uh, how do I do all that? Well, all the emotional baggage I carry along has to stop occupying so much of my time. All the worry and doubt over the future has to stop taking so much of my mental energy. Why wasn’t I more social in high school and college? Why didn’t I build better networks? Why didn’t I pursue a career path that was more streamlined or scripted? Why didn’t I have the courage to risk failure as a kid? Will we ever own a home? How will we pay for [insert any number of things here]? Will I ever build success in my career? Are people going to think I’m boring, or foolish, or annoying? When I die, how many people will show up to my funeral (morbid, but something that actually crosses my mind from time to time)? 

All those questions? They gotta go! It’s time to forget ‘em. They’re not doing me any good, and giving them my time means I’m taking it away from something else. Some days, that’s me, my now, and what I can accomplish. Some days, it’s my wife, and the support I can provide her. Some days, it’s my kids, and the love and attention I can give them. 

I need to separate what I can control from the things that are beyond it. I need to separate the present from the past and future, and live in the moment, be more present, and maximize the now. In the beginning, recognizing the distinction will be paramount, but I’m up to the task. After all, living within the realm of what I can control has got to be a lot easier than living within the realm of what’s outside of it, right? 

Note: Purchasing items using a link on this site may generate a commission for me at no extra cost to you. I call that a win-win!